To thee ..It’s not my loss.

I didn’t know whether you were my friend or my foe.. or was it possible that I had a distorted vision of what we stood for.. All I know that I’m better off  you now .. I regret the time when I couldn’t protect or even depend on myself , such vulnerability magnified your presence in my life.. a presence that turned into a sad fading memory now.. To Thee , the one who failed me, I wish I could go back  in time when we first met , to deal with you not as a friend or a foe , but as a simple stranger , ironically as we are now..

Silence!! my friend…

what an agonizing pain I silently tolerate. what an excruciating loss I deny in a hollow look and vain smiles.. Silence is gold they say; yet my gold is tarnished I must say.. I’m aching in silence  ..  I try to  bring the joy ,and ease the most restless souls ,  I try to help others by all means, and even make them laugh at their misfortunes.. what could be more Nobel than that.. However.. and though I’m trying to treat myself with  such nobility ..yet the mere idea that I might make  someone sad and even shed tears due to pains and fears I bear inside, intimidate me and force me to keep it all inside , locked behind hidden doors..   

My friend,

Sadness seems to prefer my companionship these days.. Though I tried to laugh it off and even  sleep it off… yet failure is all what I get … I wonder what he sees in me ,and why he ignores my constant resentment to his escorting.. I hope he’ll wave me goodbye soon enough and things will get back to normal.. Besides I ran out of excuses and I really really miss my laughs….Sadness with no offence ”  I don’t need any chaperon  just  leave me alone”!!!

…

…

My fellow,

            It’s time to loose the grip and face the unknown….

How Sad,,,

Dearest Soul,

         I keep wondering what on earth that posseses people to have this urge to hurt each other feelings..

Some shout at you for most trivial reasons ever, other will simply not show any interests in whatever you do; rarely call ; and still call himself a close friend, another texts you telling you that you broke his/her heart simply because they ‘re too egoistic and selfish to care about anybody else but themselves….and the list goes on and on.

       How many times do I have to put up with such insensitive attitudes  from people whose sick prospective gives them the right to say and do whatever it seems right to them and totally disregard the impact on others’ feelings.

      No matter how hard I try to be strong and keep my feelings in tacked , I always seem to fail.. Tears of Sadness fill my heart.. I’m sad dear soul , it’s simply un fair..Needless to say that what goes around , comes around and some day they’ll walk in my shoes and I hope they’ll learn one thing or two..

                                                                                                         

                                                                                                             T.O.S                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Dreamy Memories…

Eventually every moments had to change into a memory.. a dreamy memory.

As if they were touched by a fairy ..or maybe they were under a spell..

faces; places; feelings; friends; all the tears and laughs and every single breathe..

Every overwhilming piece of me had to fade to change into a memory and leave me all alone..

Oh my dreamy memories why did you leave me behind..

and cruelly abandon me in a such grim reality..

Are we doomed to only meet in dreams..

And live few joyfull moments in haste..

Only to fill our hearts with unbearable bittersweet feelings..

Neither; you nor I have ever found the serenity we once shared together..

So tell me why did you have to desert me for good,  and live on your own..

Perhaps then I’ll be able to forgive and mostly to forget..

That you once waved me the forbidden GOODBYE..

A sin I shall never dare to commit..

Dreamy memories I beg you,, come back to me ,,

Let’s be together in every world..

to cease all the forsaken moments and happiness ..

Let’s just live.. Simply live.

Dearest Soul,

           How ironic things can be recently. I was told lately and in different occasions from many people that I’m so discreet and mysterious regarding my feelings and thoughts.And that I often acted like everything is OK when my looks and expressions tell quite the opposite ;I always smile even with the agony that lies beneath..

          It’s true, I must confess.. but not because I wanted to, but I found myself over the years forced to do so.. Every time I really need to talk to someone no one seems to be interested in listening. Simply because we rearly share something in common . Actually I discovered that beside having several bank accounts , we don’t have lots in common; we don’t read the same books, listen to the same music or watch the same movies; even our social activities differ . And in those rainy days when I really need some one , I keep in searching only to find non.And the fact that I use English alot especially when I’m emotional didn’t help at all, but I really can’t help it ; it was the way I was brought up , this is part of who I am, and I won’t change a bit about it. I discovered that it’s pretty easy to share the laughs rather than being dramatic and spell your guts out. Further more, there is a gab I tried so much time to fulfill, but I always seem to fail. 

         I learnt to step away and held things in the dark..I learnt to listen and never speak out.. I discovered that writing was and still the only means that worked in my case.

        And now after four years working with the same people , I managed to know a lot about them and they know non about me..Ironically neither they or I manage to bridge that gab in between or fulfill the void I feel inside..

        As a matter of fact, they are not bad at all.. The thing is we don’t share the same interests that’s all.. so I guess it’s quite natural that I grew such behaviour.. If they only try to show a genuine caring , things will definitely be different.. If they only could ask out of caring and sharing , not out of sheer curiosity.

         It’s very ironic that I’m described as a discreet person ; and all this time I was trying to reach out to people never got the courtesy to stop for once and try to really listen..  

                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                            The one and only,

                                                                                                                                      T.O.S.

Forever In LOVE,,,

• I love Allah, my lord , my only companion and saviour whose Divine light I eternally seek and pray to illuminate me alive and when my time comes..
• I love the angelic presence of my sweet mom, dad and all of my family members one by one.
• I love my soul that’s unique in its own, such soul that makes me not only alive but also a whole.
• I love my vivid imagination which enables me to escape to wonderful worlds, and provide me with a shelter whenever I needed one.
• I love the peace within which I finally created with my loneliness..” A lone I am and a lone I shall remain..SO WHAT ”.. Yet I’m not really that a lone since Allah is my true companion;so from this prospective I haven’t been and never will be a lone.
• I love the way I always remind myself to” count my blessings” in order to overcome my hardships;whenever I silently suffer I  just remember that all my love ones are safe and sound, and that dawn always comes.
• I love to finally add that I love LOVE itself, and I’m found of being in love with LOVE .. I wish that I’m blessed enough to be loved for love sake..

                                                                     ” But love me for love’s sake, that evermore

                                                                     Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.”

      Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

A whisper,,,

For those trapped in a web of lies, fight no more for truth shall prevail.. For those in grief I say tomorrow is another day ..  Have faith in your souls , and behold the beauty found everywhere.. Enough with all the feelings that seep under locked doors, only to burden you with too much pains.. pains force you to shed pearly tears and kill precious dreams..Be aware , poor souls , of those moments created by devilish thoughts only to let sadness and sorrows absorb you deep.. long enough to lose yourselves ,  be sure then you shall be doomed with such henious lost …My fellow friends , remember to love your sweet existence.. and be courageous enough to walk with me that path which leads to invisible worlds where golden rays and silver ones are side by side till the end .. only then we can all  be set free…                                                                                                                                                                                 

Never given the chance to say GOODBYE!!!

”Once upon a time, Once when you were mine ” ..  Once and as I was happily spending my years in college, I had this bitter feeling that I ‘ll be leaving this wonderful place with all it’s ups and downs moments without giving any chance to say a one decent farewell..And as I submitted the final exam paper to the superintended for the last time , the same bitter feeling hit me again.. yet I was so occupied and so happy that I was finally graduating and with honour too, that I dismissed all my fears a way..UNfortunately , that day of my final exam was truely the last day ever of my years in college , and I woke up on a reality where all my fears became real…Due to certain circumstances that were beyond my control I didn’t attend my graduation ceremony, didn’t personally receive my certification in English Literature and I was never given the chance to say goodbye to my friends, professors and to all the places where I used to hang around,, specially that dear library where I always felt that I entered a another world once I got inside… It has been like four years now since I forsake my glorious days , as I like to refer to my days in college , and still never gave up hope that one day I’ll be able to see that dear world of mine, one more last time ; such hopes are highly raised on the way back from the airport, whenever I got any chance to visit my family since I work in a different city, and as I took that quickly glimpse of the road that led to my own college, only to find out later on that all my hopes and attempts were shattered to pieces on the way back !!! YET ,  I soothe my self and say that I”ll never surrender to despair and that I’ll always try and hold on to my aspirations and one day I will definitely succeed… With FAITH everything is possible and within reach…